It’s been a long time, bond.

The year was 1997, films were in 2D and games came in a rich variety of polygons. At this time the playstation and N64 were in fierce competition with Sega about to admit defeat from the console race. Each had their key games but the N64 was about to get a surprise hit from a genre that NEVER does any good- the movie tie in game.

The game was Goldeneye 007…and the rest is history.

This weekend I went to visit Mr. Coldicott in his homestead. He had just recently dug out his N64 from under his bed. It had been there going on a good 7 years so the hope that it would actually work was slim. However after a bit of messing around on his TV he finally got it and on span that familiar metallic nintendo logo that we had both seen so much in our time. So let’s get the graphics question done with- it looks dreadful! Remember though that the TVs we were playing on at that time were still SD and probably no bigger than 20″. We were playing sat about three foot away from a 40″ HD TV which didn’t really do the old 240p resolution any favors. There were certain notable issues like enemy’s being consumed by the Walls and bullet holes floating in mid air, but I prefer to look more on that as charm rather than glitches.

We dove right into the Dam level on 00 agent (no messing around here). Granted probably not the wisest move having not played the game for some time but I made a fair stab at it! Got mullered in the basement getting to the data backup by some sod hiding behind a wall. I can tell you though that even now the gameplay makes your adrenalin rush. There’s something about not being guided around to your objectives like some crap technical safari that really emerges you in the game. There’s no “new objective- it’s over here, about 400 meters” markers popping up every second. Nope, it’s just a list. Find them, do them.

It was Lee’s turn then to have a go at the missile solo level (also at 00). You only get 8 minuets for this one as after that the whole place explodes (was there ever a better incentive?).  He blazed his way through corridor after corridor of identical octuplet guard groups, making it all the way to the bullet proof Ourumov at the end of the level. At this point he had 5 seconds left to dash for the lift- and dash he did, making it with barely a second to spare. With a whoop and some old school backslapping we celebrated the achievement. But wait… Objective C, FAILED?! Goddamn it! Back we go! You see most games these days wouldn’t be so bold as to let you finish the mission without completing the objectives- but Goldeneye just glares at you for such a mistake, and makes you start again. I guess there’s something to be said for discipline in games after all as the sense of satisfaction when completing a Goldeneye level is far greater than that of any game I’ve played in recent years.

Some retro games age like milk where others age like your grandparents: with a quet dignity. This is the latter. Re-playing Goldeneye all these years on it’s amazing to see the influence it had on the modern shooter. It’s difficult to comprehend that before Goldeneye, shooters on consoles either weren’t done or were just plain bad. Now it’s difficult to find any other kind of games on them! The gratifying experience if figuring out and completing your objectives is just something that is lacking from today’s games. It’s all waypoints and instructions. When we were thrown into the first level if Goldeneye (the Dam) my friend Steve rightly said “you know, if they made this now- there would be a five Minuit training corse on how to use that sniper rifle”.  Am I looking at Goldeneye through Rose tinted glasses? Sure, but they are massive Rose tinted glasses with pictures of girls etched in them and the bond theme playing out of tiny speakers on them…and I would happily stay behind them forever.

Rose Tinted Rating:

Graphics:     4/10

Sound:    9/10

Gameplay  9/10

Overall:   8/10 (Still Brilliant)

The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time 3D review.

Its 1998, I am 13 years old. It is approaching christmas eve and I know for certain that I have something amazing waiting for me in my stocking. You see not a few months previously a certain game was released that is rocking the world. That game is The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time. The first 3D adventure game of the Zelda series to be released on the behemoth that is the N64. I know that never in my life will I be this excited to play a game- ever.

Its 2011, I am 26 years old. It is Friday the 17th June and I’m on the motorway heading back to London from a holiday. I know that today I need to find a certain game. A game that once rocked the world. You see today, a remastered gem is being released on the nintendo hand-held box of joy – the 3DS. Fully remastered in 3D, at an eighth of the size. That game is The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D.

There are a lot of parallels in my life but none make me feel as old as this happening. My favorite game of all time has been lovingly re-mastered from its original N64 form into a full 3D adventure on what is essentially the Game boy’s Great great grandson…twice removed.

Last night I finished it- in normal mode (we’ll get to that).

And was it good?

Yes. Lets continue:

The Legend Reborn?
It’s an incredibly un-nerving word these days; “re-mastered”. I remember when they “re-mastered” Red Dwarf, which just essentially meant “Fucked about with” rather than “re-mastered”. The process of re-mastering is supposed to happen if there is room for improvement. If the original product didn’t quite match the original creative idea. Now “fucking about” with the LOZ Ocarina of Time is an extremely dangerous idea: as the fan base is roughly the size of China and could quite easily overthrow the worlds government if displeased. Telling those fans that they are going to “tweak” their favorite game is tout amount to suggesting they swap their penis for a third testicle. But tweak it they did and as one of the “third testicle” brigade, I have this to say: Not bad boys, not bad.

They have managed to re-do most of the game without actually sacrificing any of the feel of the original. The major change concerns the animation of the characters, the character models and textures. Everything has been re-done but with all the accuracy and charm of the original- they just look less like rod puppets now. That in my book is a good thing. Rather than make new artwork and change the game to look like Twilight Princess- they have lovingly re-drawn the originals. Apparently the game now closer matches the original concept artwork for the game. That is the true meaning of re-mastering: make it look like it was always meant to. Oh and they’ve also made it 3D…was that not clear? As mentioned in my 3DS review, I’ve never been a fan of 3D, I think the whole cinema thing is a gimmick that will hopefully soon fizzle itself out. But the 3DS convinced me there may be a place for it in gaming. Having played through LOZ in 3D I can confirm I’m a convert. It was breath taking. Seeing the epic moments like lifting the master sword and traveling through time coming out of the screen at me was more than a little impressive. If there is a game that shows people how 3D should be done, then this, at the moment, is it. The 3D does make me feel like I am playing with little miniature models though- you know the ones you used to get out of 20p machines back in the day: or little Subbuteo players. I kind of like that- makes me feel like I’m playing with action figures instead of a video game. an important thing to note is that it contains the original soundtrack from the N64. No orchestral re-mixes here (Except for the 3D end credits). I know Craig from Screwattack sited this as a negative in his review but I couldn’t disagree more. The soundtrack was perfect the way it was- in pure Midi old school fashion. Sure the orchestral ones are epic and all but they just wouldn’t sit right in the game in my opinion.

Whats New Pussycat?
Having played the original N64 version to death (Completed 15 times, not even an exaggeration- in fact it may have been more!) I have noticed a few key changes: all for the better i must say!

Hot Swapping:
The N64 always had the “kick in the shins” debilitation of being limited to the four C buttons ,four action buttons and a D pad to assign actions and items. The original delt with mapping items to three of the C buttons which meant you had to jump back into the item menu when you wanted anything else. Taking advantage of the 3DS Duel screen- a vast improvement has been made to the equip and item menus. This time items are assigned to the X and Y buttons (Keeping A and B as action) as well as two additional touch screen buttons ( marked as I and II). At first I was dubious of this but it turned out to work really well as they are just in thumbs reach of all the other buttons. On the other side of the touch screen you know have instant access to the ocarina without having to assign it as an item (big improvement!). Also you can now reference all your learned ocarina songs whist playing it by pressing the sheet music button- gone are the days of flipping back to the menu to try and remember the notes to Nocturne of shadow! The boots have now been added to the items list instead of the equip (or Gear as it is in this version) so you can assign them to your buttons which is a god send for the Water temple and Shadow temple because it means you don’t have to keep going into the menu to change your bloody footwear.

the new highlighted water level change doorways

Water improvement:
Oh god the water temple. Any player of OOT on the N64 knows what I’m talking about here. But whats this? They’ve CHANGED IT? Well its only surface changes but god damn it made it a hell of a lot easier to understand! First off the afore mentioned hot swappable boots mades it a lot less time consuming as you need to change your footwear more often than Gordon Ramsey tried to re-launch his carer. Also the places where you can change the water level are now clearly marked by glowing water artwork on the doorways and a little water level symbol by it. I remember the first time I played it -back in 1998 and there was only one bit I has to seek help on: and it was in this temple. In the middle room where you change the water level to the mid point : it lifts a platform which you can then dive under and get a small key. In the N64 version you would have had NO IDEA about that happening unless you were incredibly lucky and happened to be looking there. In this version, the camera changes angle as the water raises to show you the opening. Big tick right there. And the BIGGEST improvement is that you now RUn with the iron books on when you are under water! This speeds up things no end and anyone who suffered playing through at the speed of a turtle tied to a post with elastic will rejoice with me.

Masters May Apply:
As an added bonus- when you complete the game for the first time it unlocks the “Master Quest”. This was originally seen on the gamecube bonus disk that came with “Wind Waker” and is essentially a mirrored, harder version of the game. Im about to play through this for the first time so more on that later…

Helping hands
So it seems that kids today require a bit more hand holding than the ones back in the 90′s. Luckily Nintendo has got you covered with the addition of sheikah stones –  Big ass versions of the stones of truth that glow green when a new video clip is available. Once you step inside it gives you little flashes of locations or actions you may want to try to get your adventure going. Alternatively you may want to hand it to someone who played the game years ago to finnish it for you.

Also Navi has gotton a lot more pushy. If you haven’t done anything remotely right in a dungeon for a few seconds she will chirp up with advice to seek out once of these stones. Trouble is these stones are only available OUTSIDE the dungeon, and you can bet your ass it don’t have the one piece of advice you are struggling to find! Nice one Navi- now back in the jar.

How do you improve on perfection? Well you’d have to go a very long way to beat this. Although Ocarina of Time is very much a game of its time- lacking some of the recent innovations like clever cameras. and having some very dated 2D artwork in places- it’s what we signed up for! Im putting bets on the fact that 80% of people buying this game played the N64 original and are just dying to get back into Hyrule to re-live their youth. I know I was- and I couldn’t wait for Eponas nose to poke me in the face in 3D.

I hate 3D.
I happen to think it’s the most ridiculous fad since LuLu. I guess what bugs me most is that we are embracing it like a new born at a family picnic – with a chorus of ooohs and ahhhs wherever it deems appropriate to rear it’s eye straining, £3 extra on your cinema ticket- head. Apart from Avatar – that thing rocked hard – but you get my feeling on the matter. So when news filtered down to me from my sources (In.ternet) that Nintendo were throwing their hat into the 3D gaming ring I was, to say the least, sceptical. To say the most- I thought they were making a giant rainbow coloured, vomit inducing mistake. Me and Nintendo still need to have words after that whole “motion control” thing that they attempted to kill the game industry with a while back (notice how most of their games now revert to the controller being held sideways to control instead of waving it around like a leper with a loose limb? Funny that). Maybe it was just Bait for the other behemoths of gaming to chew at for a while so Nintendo could get the “3D” drop on them? Bait which they took beautifully I might add.

Shiny box- with added smudges

So it’s here now. It’s called the 3DS, and I have one.

the original DS

With nintendo now having more versions of their popular hand held, dual screen wonder than I have socks (That’s right, I have 5 socks – 2 pair, 1 spare) it’s only this 5th incarnation that actually changes something big enough to warrant me getting one. The offer of a camera or a bigger screen to see the amazing low-res graphics failed to woo me – which is all the previous models had. So let’s kick off- with the help of bullet point headings!

The 3D Double image

Graphics
On first glance I didn’t notice a massive change. That was until I put in an original DS cart and then it all became clear as a lawsuit against Michael Barrymore. The top screen is now a rather tasty looking wide screen with graphics that are very nearly (to the eye anyway) on par with the Wii. The same hideous alias problems are carried over from it’s Wii brother but with a screen that size they are excusable if you move the console away from your face.

My 3DS - on my table no less

Inbuilt
Nintendo have included some goodies with this DS. You can take 3D photos. You know, they’re like photos…in 3D. The Wii consoles tumour ridden representations of you and your friends (or as they call it ” Mii”) have made their way over. You can even hook up and transfer the ones you made on the Wii – nice touch. The method of doing so is a little less than straight forward however. I had to go to the Wii’s Mii channel, press A, B and 1 (in a place that avoided actually hitting a menu screen or picking up one of the Miis) and then holding down 2. After three moons had passed the menu to “connect to DS” came and all was well. Could have just been a “connect to DS” button but hey ho, why have one of those when you can play contortionist with your Wii remote eh?
Also inbuilt is a daily stats program linked to a pedometer. So not only can you see how much of your life you’ve wasted on harvest moon but you can also clock the milage you’ve done with the DS in your pocket. Nice.and it rewards you too- you get play coins for walking. I think its something like 10 coins for 1000 steps, and you can only get up to 10 in a day. Good incentive to get the kids outdoors I suppose… “You want that new outfit for Blanka? Fine, four laps of the field and it’s yours’”.
Street pass is also included. This allows your and other strangers DS consoles to talk as you walk past each other in the street. A little green light will be glowing on your DS to let you know you’ve made a pass, so to speak. When you open your DS and then go to street pass plaza you will meet the Mii of the stranger you passed. There are some other little features you can do such as trade puzzle pieces or play a bad rip off of final fantasy with ghosts and cats. Pity I’m not 7 or I would lap this stuff up. At my age now I would much prefer a feature to swap favourite recipes or map locations of good places to sit down.

3DS cart (left) vs original DS cart. FIGHT!

Games
I only have one game for it at the moment as none of the others seemed worthy of my cash. That game is Pilotwings resort – a ressurected classic from the N64 with absolutely nothing else in common except for the first part of the title and the fact you spend most of your time in the air. It’s a good enough time eater – trying to beat old high scores, collecting unexplainably floating things (be it rings, mii trophies or funny gates with your face on it) and generally trying not to crash into things. You will fail. The system is also comparable with all your original DS games (unless you played the import game in which case some of them may not work anymore). This is the first DS to be region locked so no more getting the odd obscure mud wrestling title from Japan- you’ll have to make do with another European Barbie game instead. The big one I am waiting for (and the whole reason I bought the thing if I’m honest) is Ocarina of Time 3D…but that’s one for another post.

Hazzahhh! A thumb stick! A good one too.

It’s 3D…Without glasses
So one of the big downfalls of cinema 3d is that you have to wear specs that make you resemble the fresh prince…on the day he’s wearing his prescription sunglasses. Nintendo stick two “child friendly” fingers up to this concept and have developed a screen that shows the 3D without human peripherals. And you know what- it works. As long as you are viewing it at the 3 degree angle that counts as it’s “sweet spot”, but lets not be picky here – we should just be grateful that it’s not red and green. The effect really does make you go “wow” when you first pick it up, and “help, I’m blind” an hour later when you realise your eyes are now adjusted to see ONLY the 3DS screen. Oh well- you know what you were getting into. And if you are still having big problems then you can knock that little 3D slider on the side of the screen down so that you can get used to the effect – then go for the burn and crank it up to 11. Even the menus are in 3D, a nice touch…mind you if you are going to make a 3D device and don’t release much content for it at launch, you had better damn well include some loveliness inbuilt to show off the fact that mario can now touch your face.

Augmented Awesomeness
Ok this is a game changer, for the kids anyway. It is so difficult to explain how this works i’ve decided to go rogue and do a video for this part:

 

So would I recommend it? Yes. Buy one. Or if you’re a game employee – buy 5 from your local tesco at a cheaper price just incase your stock runs low..

So here we go- the first in a new endeavour for us quiteenjoy boys (not sexist- there are literally only boys).

This weeks challange goes out from me to Mr. Jenkins.

This Challenge: To film yourself watching the epic of epicness that is Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”. Then edit together a short piece of your reactions to you favourite parts.

Due: Next Week – post your response here on quiteenjoy.

Here is a trailer to wet your whistle. Enjoy!

Brown out

As part of an experiment as much as anything else I am typing this update on the iPad. So far I have managed to hit the shift key three times and replace all punctuation marks with commas. Oh and I spelt punctuation wrong aswell it seems but the iPad, being the canny little hinge that it is replaced it for me without me even noticing. I only know that it has done so as I spell mine with three “u”‘s. Apart from that it seems to be holing up pretty well. I have the habit of typing faster than my mind can actually think and it seems to be keeping up with that pace aswell-correcting each horrendous spelling mistake as I go. not having a keyboard with keys the size of a gnats nipple (like it’s midget brother-iPhone) didn’t seem to make the tying experience any different from tapping on glass- like a stalker at the window of the popular girl in school…what?

image from these lovely people http://www.oi-you.com/not-work/ipad-barbie-becomes-early-adopter/