No second thought needed…(click me… I am some audio)

A clear example of how bitter I am rapidly becoming.

- Jenkins

On my way home this evening I became amazed by the lack of common sense in London.

It is a stupid idea too..:

-Congregate, on mass and wait for your friends on the stairs down to Oxford Circus underground station.

-Walk in one big, slow, pavement spanning line with your friends then stop to point at things suddenly.

-pushing infront of fast walkers on the underground escalators only to stop in front of them to adjust your headphones.

-Getting in my way, generally.

Right. Rant done, time for a curry. It is national curry week after all!

The summer is a letdown because you ask too much of it. Three consecutive days of clement weather is too much pressure to put on this country.

Watermelons are only good when you can buy them in slices. Buying a whole watermelon and storing it in your fridge will only lead to its eventual demise at the hands of decomposition, because it is so daunting an item due to its sheer volume that you’ll never actually make the first move and cut off a piece.

Wasps really don’t give a shit about you and will ignore you if you don’t flap about. They will however try and swim in your Champagne. This is just a fact. Are you telling me that if there was a vat of bubbly in your back garden then you wouldn’t take a swim in it? C’mon.

Pigeons are fine. They aren’t doing you any harm and they are essentially working as unpaid volunteers for local council’s by cleaning up your food that you threw on the floor. Stop calling them rats with wings. Every time you say that it makes me think of actual rats with actual wings and that is terrifying because they are so much bigger in my imagination then they are in real life.

Tomato ketchup is boring and Brown Sauce is loads better, so there.

I swore that if Brown, helped me out with some work then I would post a rant. I also said that it would be at least five hundred words too. One likes a challenge and all that, but I fear I may have spread myself a little thin with this one. This is mainly because I couldn’t think of a topic to focus this rant on. It’s not that I don’t have a plethora of shit to nark on about, because I do, but it is mainly trying to order these thoughts in my mind, by filtering them into a sort of ‘top five’ of all the things that get my goat.
I just can’t seem to bring anything to the front… and that is my brains fault. This all of a sudden forces a topic to mind.

My brain: What the fuck good is it actually doing me?

I have always had a complicated relationship with my brain, you see. The problems seems to lie in expecting too much of it, which it subsequently fails to deliver. While other times it is running in full motion when I am desperate to shut it off. The times when my brain is at its absolute best is not, as you’d expect after a good night’s sleep or a decent feed, but in fact my brain is at its optimum functionality when it is put under enormous stress or is trying to cope with an uncomfortable situation or any number of self-imposed socially nervous scenarios.

A prime example of this would be any unexplained tidal wave of regurgitated nonsense that seems to pour from my oral cavity the moment I find myself in uncomfortable circumstances. I will suddenly become aware that I have been talking with unchecked abandon for the best part of five minutes and nobody has had the heart to interrupt me.

This isn’t so much of a problem, when you compare it to the awful things my brain gets up to when boredom sets in.

I have, at times, allowed myself to roam freely through the many roads of my all too capable fantasy construction and have submerged myself to such an extent that when I suddenly and inexplicably snap from my mind’s inner Neverland, I am always shocked and a little upset to discover that I am actually not the High chancellor of the Dolphin People, and I can no longer oversee the battle of Biscuit Mound… subsequently, I can only assume that my army of Pop-Up Pirate’s wielding laser-knives have all disbanded and retreated to their homeland on the island of Guttenberg.

Allowing oneself to wallow in such a fashion can be doing no good for ones mental faculties.

I feel like I should be utilising my brain in far more meaningful tasks. The learning of a language perhaps, or maybe I could develop existing theories on scientific matters…

I’ll just ask this Dragon Pirate what he thinks…

With Photoshop comes great power…and with great power comes a horrible abuse of said power.
What we have here are 5 of the worst Photoshop disaster movie posters that I could dig out of the recesses of the internet. Its not a top 5 by any means so the order is irrelevant…they’re all awful in their own rite.

5. All About Steve

I’m pretty sure that if you replaced the umbrella in Sandra Bullocks hand with a machete and put bars between her and the other characters then you’d…still have a shit poster. Where is she looking? And which one is supposed to be Steve? The Aisan guy? Or maybe the umbrella.

4. Bad Lieutenant

Right, I’m not letting you get away with that just because you’re Russian, or whatever (says the ignorant English man)! First off it looks like Cage is holding his gun by the barrel and they have just painted on the bullet opening to hide their mistake. Second of all what has happened to that poor girls body?! Looks like she’s been turned into a mannequin from the neck down. And isn’t her head a tad to large boys? Inexcusable rubbish- any poster that makes it look like a giant Nicolas Cage is crumbling into dust while cops look “not that bothered” in the foreground gets an instant F in my book.

3: The Accidental husband

Surely putting this monstrosity together would have been more effort than actually shooting that shot for real. It wouldn’t have taken five seconds on the set. But no- what we have here is a generic kit of body parts arranged lovingly in photoshop to portray this lovely scene. Who approves these things- I mean just look at Thurman’s neck for Christs sake! It looks like shes been wearing a tribal neck piece for 5 years that has stretched and abnormal thickened it. Look at the awkward stock hand tapping her on the shoulder- then take a look at the other hand attached to his body. now try it yourself- put your arms in those positions and see how natural it seems. Colin Firth Clearly loves a bit of Thurman’s ears because he cant take his eyes off it. But that’s OK, he’s just smitten with a woman that has finally fallen in love with his massive dis-located hands and tiny plastic head.

2: Takers

Taking the piss more like! What is this?! Were NONE of the actors actually available for this shoot? Or were the facial expressions so terrible you resorted to that piss ass poor windows cloud application (you’ve all seen the ad right? If not: SEE IT HERE). Also what kind of lighting genius did they have to achieve that effect on their faces? Check out how one guy has a shadow on the right of his face while the guy standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM has it on the right! Genius! Thats impressive….and shit. Oh and Hadien christian is in the poster which is the worst thing of all-.

1- Over her dead body

You should never, ever,ever,ever have anyone on your promotional poster lying over the title of your film. Especially is that person is clearly NOT the actress that’s in the film. Now I dont know how many of you have seen desperate housewives but that slender lengthy strawberry blond princess on the title is none other than Eva Longoria. Not the tallest of ladies by my recollection. By the looks of this one theyve taken a still from Desperate housewives and matted the face of Eva’s character on to a barbie doll.